A Sheep's Unfortune

200

This, dear readers, is the two-hundredth post on ChasingDucks.com.

We've come a long way, starting out as PD's Crazy Photo Blog with infrequent, uninteresting posts and no readers.

Now we post most days, have three authors, are slightly more interesting and have almost as many readers as authors.

Nothing too big for 200; I'm saving the bonanza for our one-year anniversary.

I have a special treat for you today. Most of you (my current readers) go to my school, so you've probably seen this.

I present to you the result of my teacher saying "you have 25 minutes to write whatever you want.":

My Troubled Relationship with Robert

By Robert Gilmore (that's me)

I woke up in the middle of the night. I'd been poked. Ugh. Robert again.

He's become more tolerable since school began (he's not around so often), but his requests are now far more demanding.

Moaning a bit, I stirred and blinked trying to rouse myself from my dead sleep just moments before. It seemed to take longer than last time. My age is definitely showing. Impatiently, Robert placed his hand on me, shaking me lightly, as if it would somehow wake me up faster.

I don't know why I bother. I know how he secretly hates me. He just uses me, because there's no other option. He'd drop me in a heartbeat for some young, slim beauty; he just doesn't have the money.

I was awake now. In the dim light, he stared at me impatiently. His hand was still resting on me from trying to coax me from my sleep. His hand continued to move, more slowly now, deliberately. Down and to the left. He pressed his finger down lightly.

Just out of defiance, I didn't respond. Almost angrily, he clicked the Start button again. This time, I dutifully popped up the Start menu. I'm such a patsy. He moved the pointer up to Microsoft Word.

"Got a big report due tomorrow," he said.

I could tell there was a long night ahead of me.

Mrs. PSB

While driving on I-35, I took a picture of a woman's license plate. (Well, one would assume it was a woman, a married one at that)

Mrs. PSB?? What does PSB stand for?

I typed PSB into Wikipedia and got results like these:

• The Pacific Symposium on Biocomputing - An annual top scientist Hawaii vacation. All of America's top scientists go spend a week on the beach learning about the newest cutting-edge technology. (don't forget your SPF 300)


• Partido Socialista Brasileiro - Aka: A bunch of Brazilian democrats.


• Pearl S. Buck - Some weird human rights woman author.


• Penn, Schoen & Berland Associates - The marketing guys who are polling people on whether they're gonna vote for Hillary or not.


• Pet Shop Boys - A strange 80's disco band.


• Please See Below - This could mean many things...


• Plus-Tech Squeeze Box - A Japanese band who apparently isn't to talented at coming up with good names.


• Polski słownik biograficzny - A Polish dictionary. Hopefully it includes pronunciation marks, because I can't even pronounce that.


• The Public Security Bureau - Chinese law officials department. Ooh.

This woman could be any of these! Oh beware all you young drivers, these all sound frightening.

Truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought that music mattered. But does it? Bullocks! Not compared to how people matter...
-Chumbawamba

More 3D, you say?

I've got more 3D shenanigans than your weak, puny eyes can handle. Actually, these ones are significantly easier than the last batch.

Just cross your eyes when you look at each of the following pairs of near-identical pictures. Cross them just enough to make it into three pictures, then focus on the middle one. If you focus and try to forget it's on a computer screen, it will become very vividly 3D.

Keep in mind that you can't be looking up or down at it; your eyes must be level with the image, looking straight forward rather than up or down.

Right, then! This is an attempt at capturing my bedroom in 3D. It's not all that vivid, but the bed sticks out and the stuff on my desk pops a little.

(click for bigness)

Here's my cat, Saffron. I found this one especially cool since he stretches out so long. It's magnified intensely by the 3D.

(click for bigness)

Here's the best of the lot. I lined up these jars of different sizes on my kitchen counter in descending order. They look the same size, that is, it would appear to be pure perspective that makes the farthest one look smallest. But, when viewed in 3D it becomes clear that the farthest jar is actually smaller than the closest jar.

(click for bigness)

Also, the fridge and the microwave pop a bit.

You having fun with these? I may do some later. For now, though, I have to figure out how to get to school without a car.

PD out

Scooter-Man

Probably my all time favorite of my work.

I wanna be different just like everybody else
-Unknown

Avoidance Methods

Lately, I have begun to question the effectiveness of employing the recommended methods for avoiding bear and shark attacks



Method 1 Fetal Position - Bears


Yes...This appears very effective. the human in this illustration has managed to fold himself into a convenient package for the bear to pick up and transport easily until he becomes hungry.



I mean really: did the so called experts think that the bear would overlook the person in danger or trip and get a bad scratch rendering him incapable of destroying an enemy half his size and weight?



Method #2 Punching - Sharks


"Expert Advice" - to fend off an attacking shark, punch it in the nose, gills, or eyes and it will swim away, defeated.

Yeah....Right

An Appropriate Post

Due to its title: "An Appropriate Post," this post will have no profanities, innuendos, or unnecessary violence.

However, I named this post "An Appropriate Post," because of its appropriateness to the fact that this is ChasingDucks.com.


I mean really, what kind of blog would Chasing Ducks be without some kind of picture of ducks being chased?

I encourage all of you to chase ducks around the pond, its strangely entertaining.

I hope you all can sigh with relief from the tension of this blog not having a post like this yet. You're welcome, readers. You're welcome.

Jake, slow down! I can't run and take pictures at the same
time!
-Melanie

Ashley in 3D

A few weeks ago, at Sonic, I said to Ashley "hold still," and I took her picture twice, from two different angles, resulting in two nearly-identical pictures.



Why would I do that, you ask?

To make it appear in mind-boggling 3D!


Here's what you have to do.

First, tilt your head just slightly to the right. Not as far as the mannequin here. I messed up when I drew him.

Normally, you wouldn't tilt your head for one of these, but I took the pictures at a bit of an angle, so you're tilting your head to compensate for my clumsiness.

Then, cross your eyes just enough to make the two pictures at the bottom of this post into three pictures. The one in the middle is the only one that matters.

It becomes a combination of both pictures.

If you try to forget that you're looking at a computer screen, and try focusing on objects at different depths, it will suddenly become very vividly 3D.

Click either image for the big version. It works better.


If you're crossing your eyes correctly, but it's still not lined up quite right, try adjusting the tilt of your head. It should be tilted just slightly, almost imperceptibly, to the right.

Looking at the edges of the picture will make you slip out of 3D vision and is a bit disorienting.

Here are some things that look really cool in 3D: try looking at the headrest on the seat, Ashley's bangs, nose and shirt collar, the car door, and, if you're really good, try looking at the reflection in the red car in the background.

I'm going to try to make some really cool 3D shots soon. Stay tuned.

Using Assertive Body Language

If I learned one thing from health class last year, it had to be the use of body language and assertive refusal, otherwise known as "I don't want any. Fuck off!"


(Roll your mouse over each of the following pictures for the modified version after reading the text above it.)

First of all, you must reinforce the meaning of your words with appropriate body language. So, for instance, if you threatened to bore straight through the other man's stomach with your head, show him you mean business by spinning it around a few times.

Who knows? Maybe he didn't know you had a mechanically enhanced drill-head.

If that didn't do the trick (or if you're not equipped with a sharp head the spins at 3000rpm), charging your super laser blast in his direction should make the point.

Still not working for you?

This last option is only to be used as a last resort. Hand the guy a bomb, cleverly disguised as "not a bomb"...

...and run like a pansy.

(You can stop mousing over pictures now.)


Today's Chasing Ducks post is sponsored by the NESAAGRCSRC (North East San Antonio Area Gynaecological Reconstructive and Cosmetic Surgery Research Center), reminding you to "recapture the romance."

Quote of the Day

Do you have any special advice for teenagers?
-Reporter, addressing John Lennon

Don't get pimples.
-John Lennon

Same time tomorrow, kiddos!

Disclaimer: Chasing Ducks is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of San Antonio, because that would be pretty weird. Also, I would have used the good old <acronym> tag for the NESAAGRCSRC, but the tooltip wouldn't have been big enough to hold the resulting text.

Red Tape

I just love the post office. The employees are so helpful and efficient.

WRONG


The post office is a tragic example of red tape at its finest.

I had to stand in this enormous line just to apply for a passport. My old ones were...

...old.

The line moved a foot every fifteen minutes or so, so I had plenty of time on my hands.

So did the weird people with too many coins.

This guy had a huge bag of coins to feed into this vending machine.


This woman plunked nickels into the stamp dispenser for at least fifteen minutes (as I moved about a foot before she finished) and bought a book of stamps.

Presumably, this was to send cards out to her excruciatingly large extended family that say "Look! I got my already-fat self pregnant again. Are there any names left for the baby or should I start naming him after other members of the family?"

I bet Hallmark makes such a card.

Incidentally, me, my dad and my grandpa all have the same first name, middle initial and last name, and I have two cousins and an uncle all named Alex. Thank God I wasn't named after my other grandpa, whose name has seven syllables and would make it difficult for me to get through airport security. I still think in-family name re-using is a stupid practice.


Until next time, remember, kids: replacing your face with sticky notes is fun!





FUN!

Worthless Man

Here's some cool movie posters I designed for our soon-to-come movie "Worthless Man."

Its almost finished in the editing room, estimated to about half an hour! So it's actually something you could make popcorn for. After an entire summer of filming every chance the six of us got free time at the same time, it's nice to just sit back in the nice air conditioned rooms (most of the movie was outdoors) and edit. Tell us which poster you like better.

Napoleon Blowout

Americans, being part of a world power, are expected to be better off than people in third-world countries.

It would seem we have show the world our true power by overfeeding our children to a point where they resemble Buddha at the age of five and exemplified our superior intellect by buying into movies such as Napoleon Dynamite.



Napoleon is a geek with a monotone voice and no life. How the hell did a plotless movie about him become popular you may ask?
It was a fad. One that most of the nation bought into. Through rumors and comments people became convinced that being bored out of your mind is entertaining.
What's next?
Grass Growing: The Movie
Ingredient Labels: The Video Game
Static: The Compact Disc

Nation: If we continue to buy into this crap we will end up being ruled by game show hosts from Japan who will have us in a strangle hold by threatening us with the removal of their mindless game shows. Don't Get Eliminated! from the group of people who don't waste their money on fads.

Napoleon Dynamite sucked.
-People who wouldn't stop quoting the movie until a month ago

Windows Sucks

Oh, mighty Apple Corp., how far a fall it was from grace!


(photo credits to Gizmodo)
Apple whores are always whining about how often Windows freezes and needs to reboot.

Fine, you're right, Apple whores. Mac OS is better designed. Windows sucks, so don't use it in your iPhone store display. Oh, wait, that's right; Windows is cheaper.

Personally, I say "Fuck Mac and Windows. Ubuntu runs better, has a smaller HDD footprint and it's free." I like those things, but that's just me, apparently.

In any case, people need to realise that Windows shouldn't be used in public displays. It's too prone to freezing.


(photo credits to Free Republic)

I couldn't find the one with the BSOD over Times Square.

An Orange House

While picking up garbage on the streets on N.O., I stumbled upon a beautiful orange house.

Besides a bit of rubble in the front...it looked like a nice place to live.

Oh yeah...and it had no interior either.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

The Third Author

David Hall's the name.
I used to live in Texas where I met PD and Jake in a hormone-infused year of eighth grade.
I then moved to Colorado, which is where I currently reside.
When visiting Jake from Colorado we decided that my sarcastic antics were no less than perfect for this blog.
So, nation, you will be hearing from me as soon as I purchase a new camera.

PD, don't kill us!
-David and Jake

Turkeys?

And you thought you'd had all the Spanish cats you could handle! Here's a new one, fresh out of the internets and my Spanish dictionary.

(mouse over for English)

Forget Time; Duct Tape Heals All Wounds.

While exploring the entertainment hall in N.O., I came across a wonderful Foosball Table.

Apparently even these inanimate soccer players suffered casualties from Katrina.

One has officially retired.

Even duct tape cannot repair the damages of Hurricane Katrina
-Jake and David

The Stuck-at-Home Blues

My car is broken, so I can't go anywhere or do anything. This sucks.

I'm going to blog about totally unrelated subjects today.

Here's how much I care about Chemistry.


I also happen to dislike stepping on an entire ice cream cone.


I think the person took one lick and said "Ew! I hate strawberry!" and just chucked the whole thing. Seriously! That's a whole scoop and the cone!

Quote of the Day

Because it's your time; that's why. Also, because you keep a pair of scissors in your bed. Why do you do that?
-the grim reaper

It's for protection, so I don't die.
-dead guy with scissors through his heart

Well, that worked beautifully, now, didn't it.
-the grim reaper

Smellalike

This is David. He's staying with me for a week from Colorado.

One life-pivoting morning, I saw David's shampoo and soap.

The two looked strangely familiar.

What is this? Matching shampoo and soap. Not only the same brand but the same scent and same size!

After this epiphany, I went into David's room and noticed something else peculiar.

Polo Black. The same cologne that I use.


Yes, we realized we had finally discovered...

Our SMELLALIKE!


They are out there: People who smell exactly like you! Though not as traumatic as running into a lookalike; A smellalike, unalike in identity, but similar in aroma, can lead you to your death.

Beware reader, your smell may not be your own!
-David