Spam

Everyone who uses email is familiar with that inescapable scourge of the internet, spam. Some of you may receive such junk email on a weekly or even daily basis.

This is my spam box five hours after I cleared it:


Where all this spam is coming from and why it's coming to me is still a mystery.

I have no intention of purchasing Canadian ED pills, finding hot online sex chats or receiving money from my long-lost nephew in Nigeria, but I'd hate for all the spammers' hard work to go to waste.

But what do we do with meaningless writing if we don't want to waste it?

That's right! Rhetorical analysis!


Let's begin with a piece by Sylvain Noris entitled It took Rand a moment to realize he was laughing, and on the edge of hysteria.

I'll give you a little excerpt from it:

I'll point out where the other modes are different, but I've not
looked into them in as much detail, so there are sure to be errors in
the discussion. And sythen he mace hym as mery among the fre ladyes,
With comlych caroles and alle kynnes ioye, As neuer he did bot that
daye, to the derk ny3t, with blys.
...
However, there is no impact during run time, and the controls appear
correctly in test mode and while executing. Double-click on the error
in the Build pane, or Use the error navigation buttons on the toolbar.
But Wolf Larsen was the man-type, the masculine, and almost a god in
his perfectness. I forgot my holy water, and skeletons and ghouls and
the like are so persistent.

The juxtaposition of technical language and Old English poetry is, in a way, a reference to our modern fixation with the ancient. This is emphasised by the inclusion of a numeral within an Old English word ("to the derk ny3t"), a practice only used in today's electronic communications.

The last paragraph challenges our perceptions of programmers as geeky shut-ins by showing us that error-prone Wolf Larsen, the clear protagonist of this work of spam, is "masculine, and almost a god", and is undaunted by "skeletons and ghouls and the like".

The included image wants to sell me Canadian drugs.


Noris's work is heavily influenced by works of proper literature, to the point that I wonder if he just copied lines from a Java manual, the Canterbury Tales and Biffo the Werewolf Slayer.


Next, we'll move on to Valorie Garren's Puppy Swallows Stick Nearly A Big As Itself. SURVIVES!

It reads:

Q L U P s 8
ONLINE CASINO! REGISTER AND GET $1800 FOR FREE !!!
Click here

At krishna and uttered a leonine roar. That ironmouthed functions could hardly be the same and there were after the largo in a symphony. She was youth and ago, the prospect was often shut out by the thickets fell down from that vehicle. The three worlds.

The sentence structure in this one blows me away. The first sentence doesn't even need a subject. A prepositional phrase and the latter half of a compound predicate are all that the sentence needs.

And what a spectacular ending! What about the three worlds? I'm eagerly waiting for her next spam to hit shelves.

Truly, Garren is one of the most innovative spam writers of our time.


Derrick Daly's spam, !I want sale you rolex ? Do you want? 0tdgu9 is written under the pen name Ann Vargas (see email below).

This is Daly's way of more convincingly portraying the feminist themes that are prevalent in the spam. His narrator, Ann, asks us toward the end:

> !Do you want rolex or other brander watch under 250?
n6f0plkdya-

This use of diction is a metaphor for the prevalence of American feminism in early 2008, when the spam was written.


I'd like to take a look at one more work, this time by acclaimed spammist Jasmine Shaffer. She is known for her straightforward, unashamed statements, so it comes as no surprise that her newest spam is entitled Significantly increase penis length.

It reads:

Become the man you have always wanted to be

Become the ultimate pleasure machine

People judge your dick size by your shoes size.

A few inches can make a real difference

With Xtra Size+ you dont have to wear
bigger shoes to make women think you have a huge dick.

over 1,500,000 bottles sold worldwide

You can actually have it.
No more embarrassment!

http://minkmag.cn

Life changing herbal pills, just a few clicks away

I applaud Shaffer's blunt, honest spam. None of this "!i want sale you rolex ?" crap. She gets in, gets the job done, and gets out.


Some noteworthy titles that didn't quite make the list were:

• Archaeologists find evidence for ancient version of 'Girls Gone Wild' by Ostroski Prochazka
• Paris Hilton likes them big by Kristie Guy
• turn your member into a leader by Yon

So take the time to read some of your spam. Some of it can be a good way to waste time when you're supposed to be writing a biology lab write up.

The Shaun Kunce Error

Randolph High School has a very illogical way of giving us our yearbooks.

You see, most High Schools come out with their yearbook at the end of the year.

But here at RHS, we release it three weeks into the NEXT year. Seniors get them in the mail.



And so here it is: my yearbook from last school year.

While looking through the Class of 2010, I noticed something odd:



Is that PD, from the class of 2009 in the bottom right?


Why yes it is! And an extremely bad picture of him at that!

But apparently PD's picture was replacing Sean Kunce's picture.


See...Shaun Kunce.

So I looked up this "Sean Kunce" in the index.

The page numbers said "22 and 92." We were just looking at 22, where his school picture SHOULD have been.

So I flipped to page 92.



Page 92 was the "Girls Track" page.


Can you find Sean Kunce? The answer is no, unless he had a sex change.

Interestingly enough, PD also made the Class of 2009 page.

Where I found his picture from 2 years ago.

It appears that the yearbook editor wasn't on very good terms with Shaun Kunce. He never appeared in the yearbook.

Fortunately he got one measly picture in the yearbook from two years ago.


Better luck next time, Shaun.

Still Wondering Who to Vote For?

Q: What's the differance between Republicans and Democrats?

A: Guns.


McCain: "Oh...where's your little hat now, PD?


McCain: "Vote for me or never vote again."

What more motivation do you need to vote for John McCain?

The Race is On

In response to Jake's recent post in which he shooped himself into a picture with Republican presidential candidate John McCain and his running mate, Sarah Palin, I offer these inequalities:

Fireworks MX > Photoshop

Obama > McCain

Yes, I am wearing an Obama party hat.


I > Jake

And so the all-important shooping race for the White House begins. May the best man (me) win.

shoop
shoops, shooping, shooped
-transitive verb
To alter an image using Photoshop or a similar program
-noun
An image which is shooped
[Origin: 2003-4; from "to shop", a derivative of "to Photoshop"]

And remember to vote Obama 2008!

Yay for Me

John McCain and Sarah Palin congratulate Jake Ritter for outstanding photoshoping.

By the way, vote McCain 2008!

Taxonomy Failure

Well, duck chasers, at long last we have returned. After a long, horrible summer for me and a wonderful, distracting summer for Jake, we're ready to start posting after having lied dormant for so long.

Right now I'm rooming with an old friend of Jake and Me, David. David and I share Jake's guest bedroom.

Anyway, one day I walked in and saw him diligently studying. "What'cha studyin'?" I asked.



"A bunch of homos." he replied.



I think whoever named a species of cavemen "Homo erectus" must have been eleven years old at the time.

Music Video

Our final exam was to create a music video.

I decided to pay tribute to the best song ever made.

The song actually goes on for another 76 seconds, but not many people's patience does. A fade out will do.

Randolph's 11

The assignment was to create a theatrical trailer.

Mine was a spoof to Ocean's 11.

This one could've used another day of editing...but there was a lot of shooting to do.

8:07

After spending every morning of school walking half a mile from the parking lot to the Band Hall...I slowly became inspired to create this:

This was shown at the Band Banquet at the end of the year.

Locker Hombre

My advertisement for the NEW "Locker Hombre!"



Buy one today!

"Dude!" The Battle

One day as two students exit bathrooms, they bump shoulders which triggers an ultimate battle.

Only one will return.

(I suggest that you turn up your speakers really loud for this one...it makes it much more dramatic.)

Time for a new header?

Despite the amount of effort that Jake and I put into creating our wonderful header, it's getting a little old.



For one thing, I'm tired of light blue. For another, Jake's caricatures of us don't look like us anymore.

Jake grew his hair out and I'm continuing to grow my hair out. I'm trying to go for all of 2008 without cutting it.


I think I'm about to crack, though. It's getting unbearably long.

So, whenever we get around to it, Jake and I are cooking up a new header.

Also, poll videos are on the way.

Liability Insurance

Once there was a boy who was running late to school

when he suddenly stumbled upon something...convenient.



A little rough on the edges...but deadlines always come quicker then re-shoots do.

Feel free to steal my realistic technique of "hitting a person with a car."

If you watch the video directly beneath this...you'll see a better technique of that...

Newton's Three Laws of Motion

For physics class, Jake and I had to make a series of pictures demonstrating physics concepts.

So, being the over-achievers that we are (heh...) we made a video instead.



Jake somehow got credit for this in his history class as well, even though the two seconds of historical content was made up.

Beachemitis

Now that the school year is over, I have gathered all my videos from my video-tech class.
Here's my first one.

Assignment: Create a video with an interview and parallel footage.

A deadly plague is running throughout our school. Its name: Beachemitis.
Here is my interview with Dr. V.X. Sarlow, a researcher of this horrible plague.

Depression

Here's the final one!

Enjoy!





Credits for all Chili Cook off Videos-

Forrest Lybrand
Jake Ritter
Mark Lemmons
Megan Murata
Moriah Jones
Charlotte Sassman
Raechel Adams
Drew Englund
Peter Johnson
Holmes Lybrand
Myranda Bradley
Luke Vanley
Daniel Murata
David Gonzales
Andre Jones
Katelyn Fray
Ashley Hall

Written and Directed by:
Forrest Lybrand
and
Jake Ritter

Servant Boot Camp

Here's the fourth commercial for the Chili Cook Off!

The Coin Raid

The youth are at it again. Desperately trying to raise money for summer camp, they search all the practical places where people accidentally lose their quarters around the church.

The Car Wash Ambush

Here's Chilli Cook Off Commercial #2.

I loved the concept for this commercial, unfortunately our filming time was very limited that day. The "lifting up" shot, which got the most laughs, was not originally in the script, but our youth pastors idea. Just goes to show you: actors can have good ideas too!

Mona Li... Sweet Jesus!

Much fun can be had with Cameroid if you have a webcam.

If you ever see a woman that looks like me, run. Run like a very ugly woman is behind you.

Basking In Jake's Sorrow

Indeed...I have been absent from the blog a long while.

To make it up to you, I have a special treat.

Way back in February, my church had our 2nd annual "Chili Cook off," a huge event that raises money for youth to go to summer camp and mission trips.

My friend Forrest and I volunteered to do the advertising, and fabricated five commercials.

My next five posts will be these commercials. Here's the first one.

Like, zoinks, man!

Michelle and Shane say that I look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, Where Are You?.



I see no resemblance. None at all.

The beard comes off tonight, though. It's itchy.

Ay, Mephisto!

Mephisto, Iblis, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, whatever you call him, the devil is pretty much awesome. We've all met him at some point, whether you've been tempted to steal a cookie from the cookie jar or to extinguish a race from the earth using pointy sticks.

There's a big white board in my kitchen, on which my dad and his girlfriend write an on-going shopping list and to-do list. (Trust me, this is relevant.)


When I saw it this morning, there was a little doodle of a demon on it.

I'm not sure why, but I decided to draw a more elaborate devil.

It's life-size

Detail of the face, since the other picture is such crap.



I just thought I'd share with you this awesome picture.

You're welcome.

Saucy Sauce

Honesty and I were jonesing for some tacos today in history, so after school we went to Taco Bell. To people living in Texas, the falseness of Taco Bell is laughable.

Honesty found weird slogans on the hot (not very hot) sauce packets.

She turned her head really quickly during this shot, so her hair flew out.

First up, the Fire sauce (high-mild by Texas standards).

At night the sporks pick on me. Ok, I can dig that. It's in a combination Taco Bell/KFC, so there are sporks, which are known for their arrogance.

Then Hot (locally called low-mild).

Ooh! Ooh! I call the glove compartment. Honesty speculates that this may reference the habit of people to store excess condiments in their glove compartments.

They were out of Medium, so next up is Mild (thick, red-coloured water).

The feeling is mutual. I can't make heads or tails of this one. I expressed no feeling toward this condiment packet, unless you call an observation of blandness a feeling. Apparently, this packet thinks that I, too, am bland.

Fuck you, Mild!

More Flea Market Madness

As I mentioned in the previous post, a bunch of us from my Spanish class went to a flea market a few days ago.

There were all sorts of ridiculous things for sale. David found this wrestler mask that was too small for his hair to fit in it.


I don't even think Steve (left) can see out of that one.




Cole constructed crude visual innuendos with food, garbage and flea market toys.


And Steve... did this.


But Joey bought the most awesome thing in the flea market:



The thing is made awfully flimsily for something that people are going to drop. The screen is now cracked.

Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Steve, Joey and I, as well as all the other Spanish 3 and 4 students at our school, went to a flea market the other day.

And, as usual, I saw something weird and just had to take pictures of it.


It's one of those temporary tattoo machines! Hell yes!


So, of course I bought one.


Victory was mine! For only fifty measly cents, I'd purchased a tattoo of the single most awesome children's cartoon nonsense ever!


So the next day in Spanish class, I picked a spot with little enough hair that the tattoo would stick.


I hastily stuck it to my belly with a wet napkin, but soon realised that I'd forgotten to read the directions before I stuck it to myself.

Was it 30 seconds or 30 minutes?

Whew! It was 30 seconds. And just look at that beauty!


Actually, I've never even heard of a Pokemon called Carnivine. What happened to good old Pikachu and Squirtle?


Screw you, Carnivinegay!

Vandalism is even better when it's on a person rather than a thing.


Quote Time
[Mr. Katz, a psychotic substitute teacher at my school, started yelling something toward my lunch table]
Mr. Katz: [incoherent babble] [something that sounds like "gonorrhoea"] [incoherent babble]
Me: What? Who has gonorrhoea?
Mr. Katz: You have gonorrhoea? Congratulations! [starts clapping] Join the club!
Me: [blank stare]

It should be noted that people usually only say "join the club" if they themselves are in "the club."

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