The Happiest Time of The Year

I hope you're all having a fantastic time on your school break. Of course, if you're not in school, and you have to work, that sucks for you.

This time of the year is very special. It's a time when people of all races, creeds and nationalities, the old, the young, the rich, the poor, the blind, deaf and mute, those without a sense of smell or taste, those without tactile sensation, the linguistically challenged, the people that always forget where they parked, and even those working late shifts at Denny's can all join hands and celebrate the historic, magical event that happened on this very night: the birth of Chasing Ducks.

Jake has informed me that there's a quaint little holiday around this time of year called "Christmas." There are even Christmas decorations in some stores.

And, in keeping with today's racially sensitive culture, they've made both white and black Santas.

The real Saint Nicholas was Turkish. Damned racists!


Oh, and here's a good one: Two different Nativity scenes.

Each has its own race-specific message.


"Oh, glory to the heavens on high! This night is born to us a saviour!"



"Aw, yeah! We got us a messiah up in here!"

Again, Jesus was not Anglo-Saxon or African American. He was Jewish.


"Oy vey! A saviour has been born to us, he has!"

Wow...Has it Really Been a Week?

Yes, we know the blog has been empty for a week and all you faithful readers have only been able to find satisfaction in Plexilate and Fanoto's wonderful spam in the C-box.

The lack of posting is due to a tragic even that happened to PD and I.

Yes...we were stuck in a well.

Fortunately, we had both memorized the important phrase on the note card above: "Help, Help! I'm stuck in a well!"

Yelling this for six days straight we were eventually rescued.

By some familiar friends from Indiana.

But now we're back: Home again, Jiggity Jig!

To find out how we ended up in the well, stay tuned!

I swear the boogey man was in my closet!

So I'm sitting there in my Mexican friend Angel's room, when he tells me that he once shot his BB gun inside his room. It ricocheted and hit the wall near his trophy shelf.


The pellet is still stuck in the wall.


I thought to myself, "What kind of dumbass fires a gun in his bedroom?"

This kind of dumbass:


And, as promised, my daily picture of Dexter:


It was difficult getting the camera that close and getting him to look the other way.

Because You Hadn't Had Enough 3D

If you're new to this, cross your eyes to merge the two images and you'll see it in mind-boggling 3D!

(click for bigness)

Something I've found helpful is cupping your hands against your screen around the outside of the pictures, so that the background doesn't distract your eyes.

Update: Another handy trick is understanding PD's Law of 3D.

• D=E/P

As your distance from the screen (D) increases, the 3-dimensional "pop" (P) decreases and the degree of ease of focusing on the picture (E) increases. In layman's terms, the farther away from your screen your eyeballs are, the easier it is to see the image in 3D, but the effect is less intense.

I'm going to begin including a different picture of my cat, Dexter, in each post until I run out of pictures. I just feel I should share with you the awesomeness that is my cat.

"Man, I'm insanely awesome."
-Dexter

Learning the Hard Way

Behold! The versatile, powerful hot glue gun.

It's great for fastening things.

I got the bright idea to fasten a cotton ball to my chin so that I'd look like Colonel Sanders.

That weird face I'm making?

It turns out that hot glue is fucking hot!


Then Steve thought it would be cool to rip it off.


As Honesty (the 'H' is pronounced) points out...


Second-degree burns and the tearing of flesh don't go well together.


Learn from my experience, children. Never hot-glue anything to your chin, then rip it off.

Operation Red Dawn

Yes, another "On this Day in History!"

Today in history, in 2003, U.S. troupes captured Saddam Hussein.

The name of the mission was OPERATION RED DAWN.


Not known to most people, Operation Red Dawn was made up of four U.S. troupes:
(from right to left) Sean Connery, Me, Ellen Degeneres and Yoda.



It wasn't easy finding Saddam, there weren't many clues to his whereabouts.



But we eventually found him and America was saved forever.

The End.

The Brave Crusaders

Today in history in 1098, during the First Crusade, the Massacre of Ma'arrat al-Numan took place.

Here's me as a brave Crusader!



After getting over the town walls, the Crusaders killed around 20,000 people inside.

Soon afterward, they realized they had no food and resorted to cannibalism.



It's a no wonder the Crusaders were considered such brave heros.

Make sure you pat one on the back today!

Indiana

I keep starting these new sections of Chasing Ducks.

Now I introduce a new one:

On this day in history, Indiana became the 19th U.S. State. (1816)

Now you might be thinking: "Indiana? That's a state?"

Why yes it is!


Indiana is where all Indians come from!

Now before you go check your atlas to make sure Indiana actually is a state, I have proof!


Gus Grissom, famous Astronaut, and Micheal Jackson, famous musician/pedophile, were BORN in Indiana.

Here's a picture of them with Indiana Indian Chief.

Make sure you wish all your Indian friends happy birthday.

And when they tell you that it's not their birthday, refer them to Chasingducks.com

We could use some true American readers.

My Hand!

I hope the video works.

Thomas A. Davis, Jr.: We are Here to Destroy You!

While digging through my drawer, looking for a ruler, I stumbled upon my old drivers ed book.

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I'm sure we all remember that face we saw every time we opened the book, right on the first

page.

Followed by a delightful message to YOU from Thomas A. Davis Jr.

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His resembalance to my grandpa is quite frightening, especially considering my grandpa was a driver's ed instructor.

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Either way, I'm sure we all massacered poor Mr. Davis Jr.

Here's my lovely transformation.

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Notice the smiley face on his tie, and futuristic "shoulder enhancements."

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The holes are due to me not wanting my teacher to see the swasticas I drew by his head.

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And I'm sure we've already exceeded our legal swastica picture allowance here on Chasing Ducks.

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This picture reminds me of a mix of my band director and Hitler.

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If you have a better Thomas A. Davis Jr. in your drivers ed book, feel free to leave a comment requesting it to be posted. It just might.

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And for those of you whores who didn't destroy his face...shame on you.

The Library Dance

I went to the library the other day. Most people go to the library to read.


Some go to the library to dance!

I should have started recording earlier. As it went on, he became a tad more lethargic, but still crazy.

Tailgating

Another issue has presented itself that needs addressing:


Tailgating.

Look, people, tailgating is often misinterpreted.

A tailgater is not thinking "I hope this person slams on their breaks and my car crashes into them, so I can kill them, because I hate them.

No. Tailgating is not a rude gesture. It is actually a polite gesture, much like tapping someone in line who isn't paying attention and saying "It's your turn!"

When one is tailgating you, he or she (usually he) is simply saying, "Why dear sir/ma'am, I do not believe you are going the correct speed. If you hurry up, we may arrive at our destination sooner!"

See. It's just being kind. A simple reminder that they are going slower than necessary.

For those of you who feel "uncomfortable" driving at higher speeds, I suggest you ride in the "right lane."

I'm sure we've all been on the highway in the far left lane going 70 when some person going 55 decides to move over in the passing lane. The PASSING lane. The lane you PASS in. Staying in the passing lane is ASKING to get tailgated.

When there is one lane, I suggest you "fast-fearing" people just face your fear and be a man!

However, there is an improper way to tailgate which is quite rude. Tailgating someone going under the speed limit is by all means "cool" with me. But when you tailgate someone who is GOING the speed limit, you are now saying, "Hey, if you don't break the law, I'm going to kill you." This is not a fun state to be in. Much like Idaho.

So just remember. Tailgating is friendly, unless used illegally.

I'm here to SERVE the PUBLIC by ANNOUNCING the important issues we face, one duck at a time.

This has been a


Thank you, and goodbye.

Immigration Day

Happy Immigration Day, Everyone.

Be sure to jump a fence or something.

A Public Service Announcement About Public Service Announcements

Living in a world full of advertisement, you would hope America would advertise common sense and practical logic. Unfortunately, there is no money involved in this advertisement.

But as a writer of an extremely popular blog (haha), I realized I can adress this issue.

Yes, I'm referring to "Public Service Announcements."

You know those times you have nothing better to do during a commercial break, and you actually watch the commercials, you might come across a "Public Service Announcement."

They usually leave you with messages such as: "Don't drink and drive," or "Talk to your kid about sex."

But there are far more issues out there that must be adressed! I, Jake, am at your service to publicly announce these issues.

This is your first Public Service Announcement on the blog, and the issue today is "Public Service Announcements."

Don't blow them off. They're here to help!

Mini Cooper and Burgers

I have part of an essay to write, so I'm just doing two quickies today.

First up, ads.
This one was from a bus stop in Barcelona. The image is supposed to be Elvis Presley as an old man.

ELVIS LIVES
The new Mini Cooper is finally diesel.
Now all the incredulous (non-believers) will believe.

I thought that one was pretty funny when I saw it on the street. It's supposed to be likening the Mini Cooper in diesel to "Elvis lives!" or "when pigs fly." It's pretty witty if you get it.

Another ad, this time from Paris:


I'm not sure I get this one. It's supposed to be Colonel Sanders wearing a McDonalds hat and with buck teeth. Could someone explain this to me?

Speaking of McDonalds:

The McDonalds in Barcelona makes tiny cheeseburgers.



I know. I know. Lame!

I'll get more pictures from my phone soon. I know you're all tired of Europe by now.

It's just that my computer doesn't connect to my phone, so in order to upload my pictures, I have to use someone else's computer. That's not happening for a while, but hopefully it's a short while because I need fresh pictures.

So I'm off to write me up an essay. Later, ducks.

One More Thing to be Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Chasingducks

Blatant machismo must be back in style.

Look at this! Seriously, just look at it.


That's right. It's a Hummer stretch limousine.

What the fuck, people? Come on!

Limousines are supposed to be classy.


Who ever heard of an extreme, off-road limousine?


I can just see some wanna-be gangsta dude riding around in this thing, blasting Fifty Cent, Tupac and Kanye West simultaneously.

Now, don't get me wrong: I love rap, just not gangsta rap. I prefer rap that uses words, and references something other than money, honeys and twenties, but that's another story for another time. Expect to see a video on this subject.

I can also see some dude who's taking steroids, has trapezius muscles bigger than his head, a buzz cut and a penis the size of a thimble riding around in this, screaming "YEAH, FUCK YOU ALL! YEAAAAAAH!" out the windows.



People that would ride in this limousine should be taxed more than everyone else, just so that they can't afford to ride in a limousine.

Bitter Rivalry

When my Xbox broke, Customer support insisted I send it to them so that they could crap it up with some new hardware "upgrade". I begrudgingly took my Xbox down to UPS to mail it to the repair centre.


As I walked out, I saw this FedEx truck parked outside, no driver.


Something's a little off here.


Fearing a car-bomb attack, I high-tailed it out of there.

(For those who don't get it, the humour is in the FedEx truck parked suspiciously outside of their competitor's store. "Special delivery!" *boom*)

Anyway, two months later, my Xbox came back, and now it makes a crapton of noise and freezes every fifteen minutes. Gee, thanks, Microsoft!