Christmas Loop

I could have sworn it was May.



Why does this store exist all year?

This is consistent with my theory of Christmas Loop:

I will begin by explaining hype theory.

Newton's lesser-known fourth law states that an event's length multiplies over repetitions by a factor of its hype. Thus, an event such as Dick Cheney's birthday, having a hype-to-worthwhile-ness ratio of around 0.68:1, multiplies in length annually by a factor of 0.68, effectively shrinking by 32% every year. This means that after his first birthday, which, naturally, lasted 24 hours, his birthday shortened to 68% of its length the previous year every year. So on January 30, 2007, Dick Cheney's 66th birthday, his birthday lasted a measly 7.62258 x 10-7 seconds (roughly 762 nanoseconds).

In short, Dick Cheney's birthday lasts less and less time each year due to the fact that nobody gives a shit about Dick Cheney's birthday.

The same principle applies to Christmas. Christmas is a very joyous time of year, but research shows that its hype slightly outweighs its worthwhile-ness, giving Christmas a 1.0022:1 hype-to-worthwhile-ness ratio. So, over the course of 2006 years (no Christmas yet this year), Christmas has grown from one day to 82 days, which sounds about right, considering the stores began the Christmas season in mid-October last year.

Growing at this rate, Christmas will, by the year 2685 last over 365 days. The Christmas season will be a year-round event. (Incidentally, by the following leap year, 2688, Christmas will have gained 2 days, accounting for the extra day tacked on to the year.)

But here's the fun part: once Christmas has reached year-round status, it will become commonplace, resulting in a decline in hype, causing the process to work in reverse. Christmas will gradually lose day after day until it is only a nanosecond or two, effectively non-existent.

In conclusion: Christmas will build and build until it is year-round at which point it will begin a decline into obscurity.

And that, my friends, is the theory of Christmas Loop. Before you ask, I really did do all those calculations. Those aren't just random numbers. Go ahead, check my work, I dare you.



On second thought, we should be a few years away from Christmas in May, so I'm still baffled by the sign.